Berkshire Eagle Column June 26
Berkshire Eagle
By Alan S. Chartock
The doctor's tough love

Saturday, June 26, 2004 - Dear Doctor: My girlfriend, Angie Beth, thinks you're a bag of wind and you don't know what you're talking about. She hates your position on gay marriage. She says that God never wanted gay people to get married. She thinks what you say about stem cell research is dead wrong and it's just an excuse to allow abortions.

Angie thinks George Bush is the best, most intelligent president this country has ever had, not to mention the man is "cute." She says Bush is a great speaker and would never do the terrible things Bill Clinton did.

She also says that you don't really care about the little guy. You live in a nice house and drive a foreign car -- a Subaru Forrester.

Doctor, she is much smarter than I am. That's what worries me. I am beginning to question my own judgment. I actually like you. I think you're funny. I believe in gay marriage. Why shouldn't gay people be with the ones they love? I told Angie Beth that if God made gay people, that was proof enough that he loves them. Why would he make them if he just wanted to punish them? It just doesn't make sense. The Bible says that God made us in His (or Her) own image.

I told her that through the use of stem cell research we will cure all kinds of disease, ranging from MS to Alzheimer's. I told her that I thought that Bush's refusal to pursue this fully is just politically expedient and that he really didn't care about finding cures for horrible diseases.

I also told her that in my opinion, women should decide what to do with their own bodies and that I believe in their right to choose. I told her that even the American cars are being outsourced and made with foreign parts.

Now, I'm telling her that I'm voting for John Kerry for president. She says that if I am really committed to voting for Kerry she'll stop loving me, both spiritually and physically.

Doctor, you are so smart. Should I just give in and follow her lead or should I find another girlfriend?

Please sign me,

Alex in Alford

Dear Alex:

Dump her now! Don't let another minute pass by. Dump her now, I say. Your life may be in danger.

Dear Doctor:

I have a strange question. I like to go to the movies in Great Barrington at the Triplex Theater. (My wise guy friends call it The Triple X Theater.) There are three great seats at the back of the theater and I go an hour early to get those seats.

My wife, Louisa May, thinks that is nuts. Louisa May thinks I can get away with going a half-hour early and still claim my choice seats. So last week I went a half-hour early and there was this lady sitting in my seat. I just couldn't believe it. Sitting in my seat.

I said, "Hey, lady, that is my seat," but she just said, "Hey, shrimp, beat it!" So I sat in the back row and a man who had to be 6-foot-5 came and sat right in front of me. His wife, who was sitting in front of Louisa May, was a little thing of maybe 5-feet tall. The guy was not only tall, but he wore a hat. I wanted to tap the guy on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me sir, would you mind removing your head or at least getting a seat in the back of the auditorium? Freaks like you should not be blocking the view of a little person."

Doctor, it doesn't stop there. Every time I want something, Louisa May tells me I can't have it. I was at the hardware store and they had these neat antimosquito machines on sale. You know, the kind that runs on propane. The man assured me that they work, as did a neighbor of mine who was walking by.

Louisa May snapped that she hated the "Zappers" that snapped, crackled and popped like Rice Krispies. I told her that this machine was different. So did the neighbor, but she sternly looked at me and reminded me that we had said that we weren't going to spend any money for a while since Louisa May wants to take an extended New York City vacation.

The story doesn't stop there. The other day, Louisa May's best friend, Gladys, called her to say that she had bought the very same machine and that it worked. So Louisa May, a wonderful gardener who gets attacked by mosquitos, came out to my study and said, "Honey, if you really want one of those machines, you can have it." Doctor, what should I do?

Sign me,

Harried in Hillsdale

Dear Harry:

What are you complaining about? Go early, save her a seat, bring something to read and buy the machine. This doesn't sound so tough.

Alan Chartock, a Great Barrington resident, is president and CEO of WAMC Northeast Public Radio and a professor of communications at SUNY-Albany.


- posted by Alan @ 6/29/2004 07:27:00 PM